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Mothers Day Sucks: Mothers Day After a Miscarriage

 Image credit: 123RF Stock Photo

Image credit: 123RF Stock Photo

Here’s the thing about Mothers Day – sometimes it sucks. It’s hard after you’ve lost your own mom but people acknowledge that grief.  What happens when you’ve lost a baby no one else got the chance to know?

Like many other traumatic life events do, when many women who have miscarried speak to each other about their miscarriages, there is a shared camaraderie.  A shared understanding that is known only to women who have been through the horror of losing a baby. I’ve talked to a lot of mommies over the 15 years since my first miscarriage and here’s what I think most moms who have miscarried would like you to know:

We are Moms

Even if we have never carried a baby to term – we had a baby.  It died. Maybe we didn’t get to hold that baby or hear it call us Mama.  Maybe we weren’t far enough along in our pregnancy to feel our baby move.  Maybe we were a single mom, struggling to figure out how to manage a pregnancy and a baby.  Maybe part of us was afraid or didn’t really want a baby when we found out we were pregnant.  Maybe our husband doesn’t acknowledge our suffering or that he, too, is a parent.

Maybe it’s hard for you to understand.  We would like you to try.  

We wish you would acknowledge what we know in our hearts.  We are Moms.  When you don’t acknowledge our grief it makes it harder.  When you pretend like it didn’t happen it makes it worse.  Bringing up the baby won’t make us feel worse – it makes us feel better that you’ve acknowledge how we feel and that our baby was real and deserves our grief.  You won’t remind us of the baby we lost – we don’t need reminding – we think of our babies more than you can imagine. Many of us feel like we suffer twice – once when we lose the baby and then again when no one seems to understand or acknowledge or even worse – tells us “it was for the best”.

Mother’s Day Sucks

My first mother’s day came 6 weeks after I lost my first baby – I spent alot of time crying that day.  I felt like I should have been celebrating mother’s day as a Mommy-to-Be but instead I felt like I was a Mommy-That-Wasnt-Meant-to-Be.

Mother’s Day is coming – do you know someone who miscarried a baby?  Consider acknowledging a mom who has suffered a miscarriage on Mother’s Day.  A small note saying thinking of you on Mothers Day or a single flower will let her know you understand that she is a Mom.

 

To read more of my posts about Miscarriage:

It Doesn’t Always Take a Crystal Ball: My Explainable Miscarriages     

Missing our Miscarried Babies

 

To get connected to another mom who has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss visit:

Miscarriage Matters Inc

It’s a free service for women AND their families and friends who want to reach out and get connected to a supportive volunteer who understands. 

 

 

This blog post is dedicated to a special Mom that I have recently come to know – some people in her life don’t see her as a Mom but those of us who have miscarried our babies know in our hearts and minds that she is a mom.  

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8 comments

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  1. Lauren ♥ On Fecund Thought

    My MIL was terrific this past Mother’s Day. She hugged me and said, “I don’t know what’s appropriate today, but I’m thinking of you.” She nailed it!

    1. Sonya

      Wow Lauren, did she ever! Honesty is the best policy right? Good lesson from your MIL: When you don’t know what to say just admit it. Hugs to you (and your mother-in-law!)

      1. Lauren

        Yes, I couldn’t agree more. When there is nothing to say… say that! Hugs right back atacha!

  2. BSH

    Here’s what else sucks. 7 miscarriages. 2 failed IVF attempts. All that’s left is a huge home equity loan. Most of the people we know don’t even know. And two months ago we had to put our dog down. Then at work (children’s hospital) everyone I see will say “Happy Mother’s Day”. Then I’ll see my mother after work and wish that we had a better relationship. Mother’s Day sucks!

    1. Sonya

      I am so incredibly sorry to hear it. Infertility must be taking it’s toll on you hun. I can only imagine. I recall the Mother’s Day after my first miscarriage and I don’t wish that feeling on anyone. Reaching out with hugs to get through this Mothers Day and beyond.

  3. Eilis

    This was a really nice article to read and just wanted I wanted to hear today, knowing others feel the same! Thank you so much!!

  4. callakerLeslie

    I know this is an old post but it’s what i found when I googled how I’m feeling. It’s hard to find support for something like this. I lost my Gabriel at 15 weeks. I got to hold his tiny little body and tell him how much I love him. He was supposed to have arrived in April. This should have been my first Mothers Day. Thank you for this article. Life sucks sometimes….

    1. Sonya

      So sorry to hear about your precious baby Gabriel. Thinking about you today – I know it’s so hard and getting through Mother’s Day is one of the toughest days. You are a mama and you aren’t alone – I hope you have someone to talk to who has been through it too. It made all the difference for me to talk with other women who knew what I was going through. Hugs to you on this Mother’s Day.

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